Football, Ecology Club Cut To Make Room for Lacrosse

The fast-paced, hard-hitting, ball-slinging, stick-wielding game of grass hockey known as lacrosse has erupted from the pores of the middle school.

Although the breakout was confined to one lousy practice field this season, it is poised to spread.

Stratford announced the creation of a club lacrosse program last spring, and opened the team to any middle school girl or boy interested in whacking one another with netted sticks.

Having already gained popularity in the Macon area through youth programs and Mercer University — which recently started its own varsity program — the sport has already proved a perfect fit with Stratford’s dual traditions of excellence in both athletic and preppiness.

Well, almost perfect. After lacrosse’s equipment and practice requirements proved more costly than expected during its inaugural season, administrators are coming to terms with the fact that building the team into a full-fledged varsity squad will necessitate minor modifications to the Academy’s budget.

It takes more than just a few sticks and a ball to play lacrosse.  The sport requires a mask and chest pad for protection, as well as hundreds of dollars worth of other equipment, monogrammed blazers, popped collars, and strangely-lined fields to look “like sick bra,” according to middle school lacrosse player Stephen Archer.

It was announced at a budget meeting last week that the money needed for the “laxers,” as lacrosse players smugly call themselves, will come through cuts to Stratford’s two largest programs, football and the Ecology Club.

Ecology Club will bear the majority of the cuts after faculty adviser Ms. Theresa Ferrari lost a Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament. The lacrosse coach won the final match after slicing through Ferrari’s paper move with scissors three times in a row.

When asked why she choose paper every time, Ferrari responded “I like to recycle my moves, just like my paper.”

The cuts have forced Ferrari to postpone her plans for a 3-acre composting plant on the western edge of campus.

Football Coach Mark Farriba was forced to concede half of the football team’s locker room to the laxers, but has locked himself in the weightroom and refused to come out.

“I will not appease this unholy sport’s quest for world domination,” Farriba shouted from behind a makeshift barricade of elliptical machines. “They may take our lockers, but they can never take our morning workouts.”

Lacrosse is instead looking to purchase Idle Hour Country Club, where team members note that “steaming, bro-ing, and post workout mirror pics” will be their standard workout routine.

Money for the purchase will come from funds raised for the new lower school building, which has been canceled in order to make room for a second practice field.