The Student News Site of Stratford Academy

Stratford Gazebo

The Student News Site of Stratford Academy

Stratford Gazebo

The Student News Site of Stratford Academy

Stratford Gazebo

New AP’s Proposed to Exempt From Senior Humanities

What’s scarier than the SAT, pimples, and that random time someone found a snake in his locker?

Senior Humanities.

Class after class of rising seniors have developed a profound, nearly paralyzing fear of the course, as though driven by some deep-rooted instinct, similar to the way a pygmy shrew flees in terror from the talons of a red-tailed hawk.

The only way out of the course is to attain a much-coveted AP overload — taking at least three Advanced Placement classes during your senior year. The problem, of course, is that signing up for three AP classes means you actually have to take three AP classes, some of which are actually kind of hard.

Until now.

This spring juniors formally petitioned for up to 18 new AP courses to be offered as senior electives. The prospective courses include AP Underwater Basket-Weaving, AP Astrology, AP Ditch Digging, and AP Beachcombing.

Several faculty and administrators already have endorsed the new courses, arguing that they will add richness and depth to Stratford’s curriculum.

“I think it’s a great idea — the kids can learn about things they’ve never been exposed to before,” said Assistant Principal Chance Reynolds, who is already planning his new course, AP Home Run Derby.

“I’m all for it. I’ll even personally sign the petition,” Reynolds added, staring dreamily off into the distance, fondly caressing the baseball cap in his hands.

Mr. Ross Bridges, who already teaches AP Environmental Science, would add AP Dental Hygiene to his course load under the new plan.

“Brushing your teeth is both a science and an art, and takes at least full year of college level work to master,” said Bridges, who noted that a score of at least 3 on the exam would enable students to take advanced coursework like flossing and gum care during their freshman year of college.

Several students and teachers have questioned the resources and costs involved in setting up 18 new courses just so seniors can avoid a challenging and intellectually stimulating class.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. If we’ve survived three years of tough courses at Stratford, we should be able to pass senior humanities,” said junior Morgan Maier, who is obviously wrong.

Juniors report that they have heard students in senior humanities are required to write a 150-page paper (single-spaced). And that’s just during the first month of school.

Senior humanities teacher Ms. Nancy Todd also is infamous for her metal-detector-like eyes for plagiarism, and allegedly practices an aggressive anti-cheating strategy known as “preemptive justice” in which she often fails students before they turn in assignments for citations they probably would have messed up anyway.

One current junior recounted what a friend of a friend said Todd did to a student for confusing a comma with a period on their works cited page.

“She just grabbed it from the kid’s hands and slowly tore it in half, right down the middle. She didn’t even stop to read the title,” said the student, who asked to remain anonymous because they feared retribution from Todd next year.

No current junior seemed able to say just what senior humanities is about, but all know for a fact that it is bad.

“I heard it’s all about a cave,” one student said.

“She turns all of her students into communists,” another observed.

Other AP offerings on the docket for next year include AP Journalism, AP Yearbook, and AP Intern.

But by far the most popular among the new courses is AP Philosophy, for which a record 57 rising seniors have applied.

“Philosophy just sounds so fascinating,” junior Lucy Bobbitt said. “I don’t see how anyone could pass up a course on the history of ideas.”

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New AP’s Proposed to Exempt From Senior Humanities