After this fall’s Powder Puff games resulted in two concussions and one broken wrist, shocked school administrators were unanimous in their reaction:

Weak. Sauce.

“It was boring to watch because there was no action. No one was getting hurt, and the girls were just prancing around like they were scared to break a nail,” said Upper School Assistant Principal Mr. Chance Reynolds, who stood on the sidelines for the entire contest trying to avoid nodding off out of sheer boredom.

In response to the namby pamby display of pseudo football, Upper School Principal Mrs. Margaret Brogdon has already approved rules changes that will allow tackling in next year’s Powder Puff event.

“Next year’s Powder Puff will consist of tackling and lots of trash talking,” Brogdon said. Not only does Brogdon want the games to be more interesting, she also believes that tackling will allow the teenage girls to relieve stress.

At a question-and-answer session about the rules changes this week, junior Missy Fuller – one of the girls who received a concussion this year – begged Brogdon to allow the girls to wear pads and helmets if there was going to be tackling.

Brogdon denied her request.

“Only weenies wear shoulder pads and helmets,” said Brogdon, who then used Fuller to demonstrate to the girls how to properly clothesline an oncoming ball carrier under the new rule system.

Fuller is expected to recover in four to six weeks.

Everyone except Fuller appears to support the new rules. Next year’s Powder Puffers cannot wait to throw the enemy on the ground as hard as they want, especially the rising junior class — who will get to play the amateur freshmen.

There is already a lot of trash talk filtering through the school hallways, with threats of broken limbs, torn ligaments, and worse flying across the locker bays.

“I am going to tackle her so hard that she’ll have trouble waking up,” one sophomore was overheard to say earlier this week.

This new rule is affecting more than just Powder Puff. For the first time ever, six high school girls plan to join the wrestling team to learn how to quickly and efficiently drag an opponent to the ground. Several softball players led by junior Amelia Brown have quit the team because Coach Jeff Treadway does not allow his players to participate in in the annual Powder Puff games.

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for a chance to knock some of these girls down. Watch out, Avery Layton,” Brown said.

Although some parents have voiced concerns about the need to increase medical supervision at the games, Brogdon has reassured parents that a few broken bones never hurt anyone, and that the risk of permanent disfigurement remains within acceptable levels.

“It’ll buff,” Brogdon noted.