Debate Plans New Facility, Stadium

What fun is power without all the trappings that go with it?

After bringing home a state championship and wins at two prestigious regional tournaments this year, Stratford’s Debate Team is demanding new facilities that will properly recognize the program’s unparalleled success and help groom future elite debaters.

“Yeah, we pretty much rule the school. So, we should be treated as such! Kings! Oh, and queens,” senior debate star Hemanth Sanjeev said. “And this king wants his castle. Or else.”

Debate Coach Abby Schirmer has submitted a proposal to the Board of Trustees calling for a new a state-of-the-art practice facility, research library capable of holding 13 million volumes, and a 72,000 seat outdoor stadium.

The proposal included a 50,000 page appendix providing in-depth evidence supporting their plans and addressing all possible counter-arguments. Schirmer confirmed that the debate team has already memorized the document.

“It seems only right that our immense success should be rewarded,” Schirmer said. “Besides, it’s not like any of you can argue with the logic and evidence behind our plan. Unless you want to lose.”

The new practice facility will be located on the current site of the Grady, which will be torn down despite being rededicated just this year.

“There will be a perfect spot for it once we tear down the gym,” junior debater Tolu Sogade said. “It’ll have a stage and everything!”

“Yeah, we want new digs,” sophomore debater Dylan Ogle said, noting that their current home base is a glorified broom closet. “But what we really need is prime practice rooms.”

Arguing that they are “the most important athletes at school,” debaters say it’s ridiculous that they don’t have a dedicated practice facility.

The proposed practice facility will include a plush locker room, a  snack bar, individual offices, and a steam room for vocal preparation.

The library — a top-secret facility constructed 100’ below the former Grady — will be fully staffed with full-time archivists dedicated to helping the team prepare evidence for their debates. With 13 million volumes, its stacks will hold more books than Yale University’s library.

The stadium will include 24 sky boxes to view the team’s home debate matches.  Early reports indicate strong demand for the luxury seating.