FPD Hates Freedom, Kittens, Chick-fil-A

First Presbyterian Day School hates freedom, kittens, and Chick-fil-A, according to a survey published this week.

The survey showed that 100 percent of Viking students share a deep and burning hatred for both freedom and Chick-fil-A. Just over 97 percent of students said they hate kittens.

The survey, which began as FPD’s senior class project, was completed by Stratford 1st graders after it was learned that the poll would require FPD students to count past the number five.

“We have always preached to our students that kittens and Chick-fil-A are evil, but the survey’s finding that our students also despise freedom was a surprising and frankly thrilling discovery,” FPD headmaster Gale Nolan said.

Nolan said he was disappointed that only 97 percent of his students hate kittens, but he assured teachers, parents, and board members in a school-wide meeting last week that the 13 depraved kitten-loving fiends already had been caught and shipped to forced labor camps in North Korea for political re-education.

One FPD teacher whose curriculum was deemed insufficiently hostile towards felines also was summarily dismissed.

“Under intensive questioning by our North Korean comrades, three of the student dissidents also confessed that their attitude toward Chick-fil-A was really more of an intense dislike than full-blown hatred. Those students have been expelled,” Nolan said, expressing relief that the students were caught before their dangerous ideas spread.

The three expelled students enrolled at Tattnall Square Academy on Monday, where sources said that their love of overrated sports teams helped them fit right in.

Although FPD seniors were unable to finish the survey, they will start a new class project early next month: learning the first half of the alphabet.

“It will be a challenge, but us Vikings learn real good,” FPD senior and lifelong kitten hater Ally Wunderkind said. “I just hope there’s no math.”